Sunday, 5 February 2012

SUPERHEROES LOVE TO KNOCKOUT DINOSAURS

There are several basic characteristics of being a comic book hero. A love of justice, respect for liberty and desire to be basically bare at all times being three.

Essentially, this is a picture of a naked woman that has been coloured wrong

During the course of my studies on the subject, I have come to observe an interesting phenomena: no matter how good of heart or gentle the character may be, anytime a comic book hero meets a dinosaur that isn't knocked out, there is only one outcome. And that outcome is a knocked out dinosaur.

Case Study: Dynamo
When the United Nations discover a belt and hat designed to turn a man (it was the 60's, women weren't allowed to be superheroes yet in case it made them want to vote) into a superman, they did the only logical thing and gave them to a low level administration assistant, rationalising that if the lowest man on the pay grade wasn't worthy of god-powers then maybe they should stop having neat gin for breakfast.
Enter agent Dynamo. Dynamo spends most of his time saving people from earthquakes and communists, the two leading causes of death in 70's males. He's not particularly violent man, but like most cape and boots heroes, conscious dinosaurs are like ruddy catnip to him.



Case Study: Martian Manhunter
J'onn J'onzz is a staple of DC's JUSTICE LEAGUE, and like most DC characters, he is absurdly overpowered to the point that almost all of the comics are spent finding reasons for him not to fight. He's the last of his kind, which makes him particularly sympathetic to endangered species. Until he sees a not knocked out dinosaur.



Case Study: The Thing
Big hearted Ben Grimm went into space on an experimental rocket flight, got hit by cosmic rays and turned into an indestructible pile of orange rocks because of science. He's a pretty easy going guy, in fact the only thing that really annoys him is when a dinosaur is being alive.


Case Study: Skaar
Skaar is the son of the Hulk and as such possesses enough strength to do what he likes. And what he likes is upper-cutting Tyrannosauruses. 




Case Study: Superman
If Superman ever has to displace a bear or squid during the course of his adventures, he finds some way to do it humanly. If he ever has to move a dinosaur he punches it straight in the face.




Case Study: Captain Marvel
Captain Marvel was designed as an exciting bright character for younger kids. Here he is punching a dinosaurs head clean off.

 

Case Study: The Hulk
Holy crap does the Hulk like to punch dinosaurs. The Hulk is the third best theory for dinosaur extinction after 'meteor' and 'time travelling Hulk'. The hulk has punched so many dinosaurs that anytime he goes to a natural history museum the fossils start screaming.



Earlier I mentioned that there weren't too many women supermen. A main fear was that they'd get things wrong, I mean how would a female superhero ever defeat Doctor Doom if she was busy laughing at all the jokes from the Sex and the City movie? Also, a fat woman in lycra would be unsightly. Wonder Woman was one of the first tough ladies. By the time she came around, the only real rule to being a lycra-clad mutant was 'beat the shit out of dinosaurs'? How wrong could she get it?

HOLY SHIT!

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