THE GREATEST FILMS NEVER SEEN part 1

Are you sick of rubbish films? 
Ten years ago I was. I remember it exactly: I was sitting in he cinema trying to watch Oceans Eleven, and every time I looked at the screen my eyes punched me in the face. 

Now, watching films that are more predictable then the outcome of Vanessa Feltz seeing an ice cream is all well and good, but what about when you need something new and unusual?

So my trawl began. Chinatown, flea markets and soon-to-be-bankrupt video shops were the locations. The targets were VHS tapes with drawn covers promising scenes of such mind-blowing madness that owning them would get you fired from being an educator, in any capacity. 

And now I’m going to share my findings with you.

How do you know if you’ll like them? Here’s the test:

Question: Which is the more awesome end to a movie?

A)   Bad guy gets hit so hard that he reverse-explodes into a dog*

B)   Richard Gere

If you answered B then hurry away - Jedwood Let Loose isn’t going to skyplus itself!

But if you answered A then buckle up kid, coz not only have you come to the right place, but you and I are now best friends.

THE SEVENTH CURSE



PLOT SUMMARY:
This film starts with some academics chatting about a past adventure. Then, in a remarkable twist worthy of a 15 year old film students' first project, we transition into that adventure. It's like a Chinese Indiana Jones but with more emphasis on naked women having sex with men to cure them of demon curses.
It doesn't work in the TRADITIONAL sense of logic, sure, but if it did they'd have to cut out the part where a skeleton turns into a flying dinosaur beast and slices peoples heads off.

One memorable scene is a kung fu fight on top of a giant buddha statue. Another memorable scene is a mutant fetus monster, umbilical cord still attached, that flies around biting peoples faces off. I guess what I'm saying is that The Seventh Curse really has something for everyone.

There are versions which cut out some of the boobs to make the film more 'family friendly', though this is basically the filmic equivalent of painting a smile on a bottle of rat poison to make it more 'baby delicious'.

TRAILER:

If this trailer had subtitles, you'd actually understand less.



WILD ZERO



PLOT SUMMARY:

N/A
Guitar Wolf are in the Guiness Book of Records for having recorded the loudest album ever. And Guitar Wolf have lost their damn minds.

In the late 90's this cult Japanese rock band decided they wanted to be in a film. It was filmed on location in Bali because the director 'likes Bali food'. As far as I can tell, the script involved throwing all the best words into the dictionary into a ceiling fan.

What this film lacks in any basis in sense, it makes up for in tits, zombies, guitar picks being used as throwing stars, every scene ending with somebody jumping out of a window, fire coming out of all vehicles exhausts and a transexual love story.

TRAILER:

If this was the trailer to every film, maybe people would go to the cinema once in a while

THE STORY OF RICKY

PLOT SUMMARY:

It depends which version you get. In some he's a highschool dropout that's scared of his powers. In others he's an orphan that wants to play the flute. Another has him in prison for being invunerable to bullets.
There are a couple of consistants throughout each version however; the scene in which he gets his wrist slashed then just ties his veins in a knot to stop the bleeding is one. The scene where a disembowelled man uses his intestines to strangle somebody to death is another.

The first time I watched this film there was so much flying and exploding heads that I thought it was a documentary about Chinese prisons. It turns out it's not, as at the end Ricky decides to leave and just punches the wall down. In real Chinese prisons people only get out by commiting suicide to admit they were wrong to have an email account.

TRAILER:

Keep in mind it's impossible to unsee things.

*BONUS! That actually happens in this film:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lqAZWXCXcBM

THE MOST INSANELY UNBEATABLE BOSSES EVER

These days when you want to beat a computer game, you just play it until you win. That or you get your 6 year old niece to download a cyber code from the matrix on her kindle or something. But it hasn't always been like this...Beating a video game used to require an ability to focus purely for an entire day and be fully willing to kick your mum in the face if she tried to make you go outside.

The games were designed to beat you. In computer programmer culture, beating a game they've designed is the worst kind of insult which is why many early end screens were just a pixelated picture of your family on fire.

Looks pretty cute doesn't it? You'll never ever get off this screen. I promise.

The difficulty level was off the scale. If any child completed a game first time then their computer sent a secret message to the government to come and retrieve and freeze them for the eventual future wars against the machines.

Added to this, the programming was hopeless. In my first edition of OPERATION WOLF for the Commodore 64, you could get halfway into the game until you came across a communist wearing a bulletproof vest. Killing him required a headshot. Getting a headshot required him having a head, which he didn't. Every time I'd play, I'd get halfway through and then a headless Russian would jump up and axe me to death. At the time it seemed unfair, though in hindsight I now understand that it's amazing.

Getting through a level was a buzz, but facing off against the boss at the end of that level filled you with a cold, cold adrenalin fear that can only be replicated by initiating a break up conversation with somebody who thinks you're going to marry them.

Some bosses were beatable. Some were just total wankers. This is my list of total wanker end of level bosses:


THE GAME
Mortal Kombat (Megadrive)


Men remember the date they first played Mortal Kombat in the same way they remember the day they lost their virginity. This is because for most males, the end result was much the same - screaming in shock, pain and pleasure while sex fluids exploded from your body.
Everything about the game was hilarious and disgusting, which again ties in with the first time I had intercourse.

THE BOSSTARD
SHAO KAHN

Shao Kahn was just a stone cold bastard. Every thing he did, from his ham fisted punches to his arthritic kicks took off about a quarter of your energy. But at least he didn't have a massive hammer that materialised from nowhere and exploded your head.
He did really.

HOW TO WIN
The only way to beat him was to uppercut him, wait for the computer to start the animation of him standing up and uppercut him again while he was halfway up, and helpless. It was kind of cheating, but I'd have a hard time thinking of when I gave less of a shit.

THE GAME
Two Crude Dudes (Megadrive)


This was similar two Streets Of Rage with two very important differences. One was that you could pick up almost all of the scenery and throw it. The other was that dogs constantly tried to shag you. Basically one of those Japanese games that somehow slipped through the net, it was riddled with bizarre traits that made the player feel unhappy inside afterwards.

THE BOSSTARD
ALL OF THEM



There aren't many pictures of this game around...

The end of level bosses for this game were really hard. One was a spider that flew down from beyond the top of the screen screaming. If you were under it, then you lost all your life. One hit, dead. It was just total bullshit in it's purest early gaming form. There were seven levels, each with an end of level boss created from broken childrens dreams.

The last level was a bit different because there wasn't an end of level boss. There were seven. Every single fucking boss you'd already beaten, in a row, with no break and no power ups. And then after that, the final boss. What a joke.

HOW TO WIN 
Just play it. I'd never kissed a girl at this point and somebody told me that vaginas looked like the Predator without it's mask on, so I had nothing else to do.

THE GAME
Diddy Kong Racing (N64)


Diddy Kong Racing was Nintendo's answer to Mario Kart. An odd answer, as it had already made Mario Kart. It was easy and colourful with cute characters and an adventure mode. Work your way through the different zones, beat the bosses, collect the coins and then you get to Wizpig. Basically a big running pink bastard. He was hard. Really hard. But hey, your 14, what else do you have on? With practice, he was beatable.
And that was the game done! Or was it? Drive down to the beach and beep at the old lighthouse, it turns into a rocket and blasts you into space to beat four more levels. Do THAT and you have the real showdown with Wizpig, who is now sitting on a rocket.

THE BOSSTARD

WIZPIG

WizPRICK more like! AMIRIGHTLADS?

HOLY. FUCK. They just went way WAY over the top with this one. He was unbeatable. You had to have a flawless race. If it wasn't utterly flawless, down to every nudge of the joystick, you were effed. I first got Diddy Kong Racer when I was 17. I beat Wizpig when I was 27. That's a solid decade of not being able to win a game that was advertised for six year olds.

HOW TO WIN
Get dumped by your long-term girlfriend, move back in with your parents, wear an old hoody and shorts and play the game all day, everyday for two weeks while knowing that you need to win this...You really need to.  There might be other ways to do it, that's just what I did.


THE GAME
Splatter House (Sega Megadrive)

Look how awesome this box is. A man with an angry skull head is kicking the crap out of Alien and an octopus. They knew what to do...how could you not want that?
The game itself was IMPOSSIBLE. Every single second of it was totally nuts. Demons flying all over, pirahna maggots climbing out of the floor, deformed babies screaming in your face. There wasn't a single safe place to stand on the screen, it was all designed to kill you. Look at the picture below, that's the first end of level boss. It's a plant that sprays acid at you while demons drop of the ceiling at you. There's no pattern to be learned, no powerups, no shield, nothing. If you finally win and stand next to the plant, WHERE YOU HAVE TO BE TO HIT IT, then it splits open and acid pours out which instantly kills you. Thanks, dicks.

Kids are gonna love this! My next project is a maze with no exit. After that a birthday cake with glass in.

HOW TO WIN
Fuck knows.

WORST TOY VEHICLES OF ALL TIME

Creators of toylines have a curious job. They are faced with a constant predicament; how to make more figures and accesories without letting the products becoming an absurd pack of nonsense? This is, of course, a trick question and any toy creator that attempts to answer it is sacked instantly. The screams of devastated children who have just had christmas ruined feeds the ancient cantarion demon that controls all toy companies, which is why you get products like: 

THE TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES PIZZA THROWER

I remember the first time I saw TMNT, and so does my babysitter as it was the first time she had witnessed a screaming eight year old boy start to enter puberty. In England it was called ‘Hero’ turtles as ‘Ninja’ was seen as too violent. Also, all of Michelangelo’s nunchaku scenes were cut as British equality laws mean that severely mentally incapacitated people are allowed to decide censorship. But none of this mattered, because at the end of the day it was a load of mutated amphibians beating the crap out of a brain in a robot suit under the watchful eye of a karate rat. It had the perfect mix of ingredients for an 80’s cartoon – a plot that seemed as though it had been screamed into your face by a schizophrenic on a bus, and weapons.

The toys were great too. All the characters you wanted, plus Irma.





Christmas 1987: "Fuck you, mum and dad!"



So what the actual shit is this?

That’s a tank that fires pizzas at it’s enemies. There are lots of questions regarding this design, perhaps most pressing is "what the fuck?" Why? Why would the Turtles make a machine that fired their favourite thing all over the place? That's like me going into battle with a crossbow that shoots softcore Japanese pornography.

  

THE HULK COPTER

 

The Hulk is famous for two things. One is unlimited strength and the other is being dumb as a rock. Another is not now, or ever, for being able to fly a helicopter. 

Someone, somewhere however, decided that the Hulk is a qualified pilot. And just to be subtle, painted his helicopter bright green, because the Hulk is known for having problems getting attention.

 

Seen here obliterating an asteroid twice the size of earth with one punch

Why does the Hulk want a helicopter anyway? He can jump across entire countries in one leap, and based on the fact that his answer to every problem he faces in life is to hit something as hard as he can, he probably can't land that thing for shit!

THE SPIDER-CAR





One of the main issues that designers of these vehicles seemed to have is that they assumed it would be a good idea for the vehicle to do exactly what the superhero does without the vehicle. Here is a classic example of this. Spiderman can fire webs from his wrists, has the proportional strength of a spider (which equals out to about one tonne per whateverheneedstointhatstory) and the agility of an acrobat. What better way to capitalise on these powers then to drive around in a massive car with a net on the back? This way, whenever he sees a thief, rather than directly target them, he can hope that they fall into the exact area needed to bounce off his net and land on the back of his head.



AQUAMAN AQUA SUB



Aquaman has always been the worst superhero. His powers are useful underwater, sure, but since most of the heroes breath oxygen, the majority of their adventures take place on the earths surface.

The only thing Aquaman can do that other members of the Justice League can't is translate fish screams whenever they walk past a pet shop.

Why does he want a submarine? That's like The Flash having an oxygen tank to go to the shops. I assume that he uses the sub as a holding pen for octopuses he's trying to seduce.

SUPERMAN MOTORBIKE WITH WONDER WOMAN SIDECAR

There just isn’t any logic to this on any level.

WONDERWOMAN: Clark, we're getting an incoming distress call!

SUPERMAN: SWEET! I’ve been wanting to test a little something out. Trust me you’re going to totally love this. Close your eyeesssssss...

One of the reasons these products are so odd is that they're all officially licensed - someone with control of a brand signed off on them.
But let's imagine there's a magical world where copyright laws don't apply, where one in one products is a bootleg and 'Top Quality' equals 'stuffed with only semi-live snakes'. For arguments sake, let's call this wondrous place 'China'. What then, would 'China' make of a toyline, free from all the padlocks of basic rules of trademark?



THAT is Darth Vader riding a police bike. Good night.

SUPERHEROES LOVE TO KNOCKOUT DINOSAURS

There are several basic characteristics of being a comic book hero. A love of justice, respect for liberty and desire to be basically bare at all times being three.

Essentially, this is a picture of a naked woman that has been coloured wrong

During the course of my studies on the subject, I have come to observe an interesting phenomena: no matter how good of heart or gentle the character may be, anytime a comic book hero meets a dinosaur that isn't knocked out, there is only one outcome. And that outcome is a knocked out dinosaur.

Case Study: Dynamo

When the United Nations discover a belt and hat designed to turn a man (it was the 60's, women weren't allowed to be superheroes yet in case it made them want to vote) into a superman, they did the only logical thing and gave them to a low level administration assistant, rationalising that if the lowest man on the pay grade wasn't worthy of god-powers then maybe they should stop having neat gin for breakfast.

Enter agent Dynamo. Dynamo spends most of his time saving people from earthquakes and communists, the two leading causes of death in 70's males. He's not particularly violent man, but like most cape and boots heroes, conscious dinosaurs are like ruddy catnip to him.



Case Study: Martian Manhunter

J'onn J'onzz is a staple of DC's JUSTICE LEAGUE, and like most DC characters, he is absurdly overpowered to the point that almost all of the comics are spent finding reasons for him not to fight. He's the last of his kind, which makes him particularly sympathetic to endangered species. Until he sees a not knocked out dinosaur.



Case Study: The Thing

Big hearted Ben Grimm went into space on an experimental rocket flight, got hit by cosmic rays and turned into an indestructible pile of orange rocks because of science. He's a pretty easy going guy, in fact the only thing that really annoys him is when a dinosaur is being alive.

Case Study: Skaar
Skaar is the son of the Hulk and as such possesses enough strength to do what he likes. And what he likes is upper-cutting Tyrannosauruses. 



Case Study: Superman

If Superman ever has to displace a bear or squid during the course of his adventures, he finds some way to do it humanly. If he ever has to move a dinosaur he punches it straight in the face.

Case Study: Captain Marvel

Captain Marvel was designed as an exciting bright character for younger kids. Here he is punching a dinosaurs head clean off.

 

Case Study: The Hulk

Holy crap does the Hulk like to punch dinosaurs. The Hulk is the third best theory for dinosaur extinction after 'meteor' and 'time travelling Hulk'. The hulk has punched so many dinosaurs that anytime he goes to a natural history museum the fossils start screaming.

Earlier I mentioned that there weren't too many women supermen. A main fear was that they'd get things wrong, I mean how would a female superhero ever defeat Doctor Doom if she was busy laughing at all the jokes from the Sex and the City movie? Also, a fat woman in lycra would be unsightly. Wonder Woman was one of the first tough ladies. By the time she came around, the only real rule to being a lycra-clad mutant was 'beat the shit out of dinosaurs'? How wrong could she get it?

HOLY SHIT!

MASTERS OF THE UNIVERSE CHARACTERS THAT MADE ZERO SENSE: FAKER

The Masters of the Universe toyline started off as group of intergalactic barbarians in fur pants, and a year later had spiraled into such insanity that it made 'intergalactic barbarians in fur pants' sound boring. The cartoon was cancelled before the toyline ended, which meant that for a full six months the character creators were aware that their 'jobs' were coming to a close. 

All I can assume is that they decided that if they were going to have to explain to their kids why rat meat was on the menu for Christmas dinner, they sure as hell weren't going to make things fun for the little bastards whose parents could still afford toys.

Faker

In all 80’s TV shows there is an episode that features one of the main characters having an evil doppelganger. This plot device was favoured for two main reasons. 1: it allowed us to see how dangerous the hero could be if his morality ever slipped, and 2: the 80's. 

The Thundercats episode ‘spitting Image’ had an evil Panthro clone. The Knightrider episode ‘Trust Don’t Rust’ (wow) introduced us to KARR. In the ‘Scooby Doo’ episode ‘To switch a Witch’, a hilariously misjudged plot saw an evil twin trying to have her sister executed for being a practitioner of the black arts.

"I would have got away with it if it wasn't for you pesky kids (running in tears to your parents and pre-empting scores of complaints)" - John Meerson, Scooby Doo script writer and despiser of children

"I would have got away with it if it wasn't for you pesky kids (running in tears to your parents and pre-empting scores of complaints)" - John Meerson, Scooby Doo script writer and despiser of children

 The list goes on and on. Hell, BEWITCHED ran for 254 episodes and this was the plot to 255 of them. The only thing more popular then having an evil doppelganger in a TV show in the 80s was snorting cocaine off a prostitute and  hating yourself.

Masters Of The Universe executives saw this trope and wanted a big old slice. Unfortunately the imprisoned mental patient that they were forcing to write episodes at the time was trying to encode cries for help into every script, meaning a couple of bumps in a tried and tested format.

The He-man episode ‘The Shaping Staff’ brought us faker, a robotic He-Man clone. Faker is almost identical to He-man except in one very special way – he looks totally fucking different. 

SPOT THE DIFFERENCE FOR A PRIZE. (The prize is the knowledge you’re not colourblind).

SPOT THE DIFFERENCE FOR A PRIZE. (The prize is the knowledge you’re not colourblind).

Obviously, there has to be some kind of difference in looks for the viewer to be able to differentiate the hero from the evil version, and historically this was evil facial hair.  When Masters of the Universe came along they decided that this might be a touch too subtle for their target audience which was, apparently, congenital retards and instead made Faker an entirely different coloured skin, clothes, eyes and hair. 

Not even God knows how this was meant to work. 

As mentioned earlier, Masters of the Universe released the toyline before the new additions made it onto TV which meant that the characters were trialed a little. As the feedback for Faker was presumably just a graph with ‘fuck you’ scrawled across it, by the time he hit our screens the character had been altered to make him identical to he-man.

Hahaha, just kidding he had glowing eyes and a totally different voice. 

They’ll never know! Unless they look in his direction.

They’ll never know! Unless they look in his direction.

An average He-man episode started with Skeletor stirring some shit up by exhibiting a power he had never used before and would never use again, with THE SHAPING STAFF being true to form. Skeletor waves the staff about and simply creates Faker out of thin air and distain for continuity. Why he hadn’t tried this before is never really explained. Why he never tries it again becomes obvious the second any other Master of the Universe sees Faker. The only way this 'plan' could have worked was if Faker stayed as far away from the real He-Man as possible, which is why Faker instantly makes a bee-line for the real He-man. 

"Which one do we shoot? It's so hard to tell! Hahaha jokes - aim at that shitty copy."

"Which one do we shoot? It's so hard to tell! Hahaha jokes - aim at that shitty copy."

His ruse is as transparent as a Nigerian email and has all the tactical cunning of going tiger hunting with a bacon rifle.  He gets the shit kicked out of him and falls down a hole becoming the only He-man villain to ‘die’. 

When the shows producers had to defend the decision to show a character being killed, they argued that as he wasn't technically a living creature, he couldn't technically die. Their argument should really have been that kids would have actually been mentally enriched by seeing such a redundant business plan be destroyed.

Even Skeletor had to admit Fakers' death was pretty funny.

Due to the fact that 'internet fan fiction writer' is almost synonymous with 'adult-diaper wearer', Faker has remained a fan favourite with limitless stories about his secret origins and adventures poxing the web. 

The Writers of New Adventures of He-man took this into account, with Faker apparently scheduled to play a big part later in the series. In the episode entitled THE COURAGE OF ADAM, Man At Arms builds a He-man replica robot. When it gets smashed and malfunctions it briefly flickers Faker colours (skip to 5.30) as a hint for the future.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_GQL2Ljdry8

Would Faker have been a robot like his original toy version? Or a magical creation, following his animated incarnation? Perhaps he would been given true He-Man powers and become a worthy adversary? Luckily, we'll never know: the series was cancelled before any of that happened, meaning a new generation of kids was spared exposure to the blue pile of shit.

THREE MORE JAPANESE WORDS YOU MUST KNOW

China.

Kung Fu, The Great Wall, Egg Fried Rice. Have you ever wondered what life would be like in that ancient land? I did, but the SARS happened so I went to Japan instead.

Five years later and I’m back.

Was Japan everything I wanted it to be? Well if I tell you that what I wanted it to be was a hilarious mish mash of every Asian stereotype Id ever seen and on the verge of creating a sentient robot dog, then I’ll let you imagine as to whether the answer is yes or no. (Benny’s hint: The answer is ‘yes’).

PICTURED: culture

When a figment of my imagination suggested I write an article that would help people learn Japanese, I only had one question – “How much money is in it for me?” Upon hearing the answer I only had one more question – “Why don’t you go screw yourselves?”

But then I got to thinking about all the words that would have helped me out had I known them. I mean, anybody can learn ‘Yes’ and ‘No’ right? But that’s not what you need…you need deeper, more culturally intricate words. If you’re going there you want to dive straight in and be able to express yourself with words that will communicate exactly what you want to say. Words that will earn respect from the locals.

Words like:

Bimio

(Bih – Me – Oh)

This word is great because it can be used as an answer for anything. ANYTHING. It basically means “Its hard to say exactly”, which may sound vague and obtuse, but Japan is the country of the Samurai were vague and indirect are symbols of depth and thought process. Openness and direct answers tend to be frowned upon, for example a sentence like “Ok, ok, it IS my kid” will just make you look like a total loser.

Follow along with these examples.

1.

A: How are your Japanese studies coming along?

B: Bimio.

2.

A: Which is your favourite of these two animes, the one where the space adventurer has to save the planet, or the one where the demon octopus shits all over that lady?

B: Bimio.

3.

A: You have a class to teach. Where are your trousers and why do you stink of alcohol?

B: Bimio.

So that’s your ‘get out of jail free’ word. Figuratively speaking of course. Don’t actually use it in jail, especially in response to “Do you like violent butt sex?”

Sorry about the mental image I may have given you with that, but lets face it; from brutalist torture regimes to Speed 2: Cruise Control, appalling things that we have no control over happen in life.

That’s when you need a word like:

Shoganai

(sho – ga – nai)

Another extremely versatile word, an approximate translation would be ‘It cannot be helped’. The Japanese are great believers in destiny, inevitability and the will of the universe and as such believe that any circumstance they find themselves in is through the design of an unknown higher power. I’m surprised that this way of thinking hasn’t caught on over here – I know I certainly found it easier to believe that the reason I have no house, car, girlfriend or BFFs is due to events beyond my control and not a borderline personality disorder.

1.

A: My son has his first birthday party this weekend but my boss has told me I must work.

B: Shoganai.

2.

A: It’s my sons wedding this weekend, and although my boss first told me I could take a day off, he has now changed his mind and says I must work.

B: Shoganai.

3.

A: I’m 70, my wife’s left me and my son never visits. I kind of feel like I wasted my entire life working 7 days a week at the SUPER-MEGA Corporation. I didn’t take a day off in 50 years and all they got me when I left was a watch.

B: Shoganai.

So now you can say let people know that A) You can’t explain yourself and B) It can’t be helped. If you ever come out of a ‘dream’ only to find yourself naked from the waist down and surrounded by police deploying pepper spray into your eyes, you’ll be all set.

But how about if you want to be a bit more aggressive with it? If you want to let people know that you don’t give a crap about their ‘suggestions’ and ‘advice’ and ‘hints on bathing effectively’. Well then you say:

Urusai

(Oo – Roo –Sai)

This is an easy one. It means “Shut up”. But before you go throwing this at anyone that looks at you sideways, a word to the wise. The Japanese don’t have swear words. They have intonation. So a word like ‘urusai’, if used in casual manner would mean ‘shut up’. However scowling and shouting the same word would have the same effect as ‘Shut your damn, ape-like mouth’, with degrees in between.

1.

A) Hey man, I know you’re a brand new couple, but have you done anything with Sarah yet besides kiss?

B) Urusai.

2.

A) No dude, for real it’s just that…look, this isn’t easy to say...well before you and her got together I hooked up with her one night and things got really hot…

B) UruSAI!

3.

A) She’s got a dick.

B) URUSAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII! (Screaming into pillow for an hour for every second you frenched optional).

So there we go guys. Three words that will undoubtedly be as useful to you as lying to girls in nightclubs about my personal achievements has been for me. I hope you enjoyed it, see you next time!

Ganbatte,

Benzaemon

3 JAPANESE WORDS THAT YOU MUST KNOW

Hi guys, thanks for accidentally coming.

When a mysterious tramp suggested I write a language based blog post, I only had one question – “What time is it and why are you in my bedroom?”

But then I thought, hey, I lived in Japan for almost five years and once saw a dildo shaped like a pokemon, so if I`m not qualified to write an educational language article then who the hell is?

 Now you have too.

After all, any chump can learn how to say “yes”, “no” right? You need words that will make you into a shining beacon of communication! Words that will open doorways to cultural intricacy and adventures in linguistics! Words that will get you laid!

Words like:

Sugoi

(suh – goi)

Basically this means ‘great’, ‘wonderful’, ‘totally super-rad’. Japanese girls say this A LOT. So much in fact that within the course of your first day in Japan it goes from being adorable and cute to making you want to stamp on Guinea Pigs.

1.

A) I went to a Japanese hot spring for the first time this week.

B) Sugoi!

2.

A) Really? I mean it’s not that great…it’s just a hot spring. In England we don’t have hot springs.

B) Sugoi!

3.

A) What? Look…it’s nice that you’re so excited about what I’m doing but could you please not say that word for a while? It’s kind of making me want to hurt myself.

B) SugHEADBUTT.

So there you go, when girls in Japan surround you and start screaming at you in shrill voices, just enjoy it; they’re complimenting you. If they start screaming at you in shrill voices and have red eyes and start biting you then it’s probably some kind of possession.

Kimoi

(kih – moi)

Another solid all rounder. It’s kind of a mix between ‘gross’, ‘creepy’ and ‘grabby uncle’. Japanese tend to use adjectives as a full sentence so you will hear this word murmured during a gory scene in a movie, when somebody steps in dog crap or when a creepy old man drops his pants in front of a bus-load of school kids.

1.

A) How was the zombie movie?

B) Kimoi!

2.

A) Look at this Polaroid.

B) Kimoi!

3.

A) Have you ever seen one of these do this before?

B) Kimoi!

Got that? Ok then let’s move onto the last one.

Uzai

(Oo-zai)

The Japanese rely on intonation to do their effin and jeffing for them. So although this word means ‘annoying’ in principle, it can mean anything from that up to ‘effing annoying’.

1.

A) Sugoi!

B) Uzai.

2.

A) Sugoi!

B) UZAI.

3.

A) Sugoi!

B) UZAIIIIIII!!!!!!

So there we go guys. Three words that will undoubtedly be as useful to you as using fake profile pictures for online chatting have been for me. I hope you enjoyed it, see you next time!

Ganbatte,

Benzaemon